Tuesday 11 October 2011

Feelings

Today is 11th October 2011, which  simply means that I only have less than 4 days before my grand departure to the Holy Land - Mecca. My feelings right now... bits of every emotion possible rolled into one.

Rasa takut... sebab mengenangkan diri yang terlalu banyak dosa. tidak tahu apakan dugaan dan cabaran yang menanti di sana. I could only surrender myself to Him, knowing and believing that He has plan the best for me.

Rasa sedih ... I would be leaving my love ones behind. I have never been apart from from my children at a very long time, now I would be leaving them for more than 45 days. My son will be under the care of my in laws while my daughters will be in care of my father, brothers and maid in Gombak. I have no worries about Farhan, but I cannot say the same for my daughters.

Khadijah is affected by eczema, a skin disease that left her elbows in terrible condition. I worry that my maid will be caught up with the other kids that she may not have the time to rub lotion and oil at the affected area frequently.

Fatin and Farah too cause me to worry. I worry that their aggressiveness and activeness may cause chaotic at the Gombak house. Recently Along has kindly painted the PD house walls and lo-behold, these two had added murals. I tried to scrub it clean, I only managed to scrape the paint off the walls. If they were to do it at Gombak house, Arrgghhh.., mati mak, Jah!

Hehe...

The truth is, I feel sad and worried. I feel sad over family relationships (both his and mine), worry that our departure to the Holy Land will cause others to be burdened, kesian kat my father-in-law, dan macam-macam lagi. Hanya Allah sahaja yang tahu perang perasaan yang sedang berlaku di hati ini. Ntahle... Berserahlah wahai HAzleen Ahmad pada yang maha Esa.... sesungguhnya hanya dia yang Maha Mengetahui lagi Maha Mengasihani.






Monday 10 October 2011

Cabaran vs Dugaan

InsyaAllah, jika tiada halangan dan aral, pertengahan bulan Oktober ini, aku akan melangkah menongkah arus untuk memulakan hidup yang baru. A better person, a better muslim, a better everything. But, it aint easy for an old dog to learn new tricks, for a leopard to change its spots.

For me to achieve what I target, I need to change myself. As the late Michael Jackson said in his song,  I have to begin with the man in the mirror.

Things that I need to change are mountaneous, a never-ending list. But I have to start somewhere. So, number 1:

I need to learn to restrain my tongue from lashing out words that reflect my tempremental side. Though it may be good in expressing yourself clearly and people will not take you for granted, I need to channel my thoughts and opinions in better ways possible. Ways that should reflect maturity and wittiness in handling profession and family issues. AMIN!

Number 2 : I need to focus on positive sides of everything in life, be it other peoples' attitudes and things that happen in my life. I need to be thankful for everything, be it sweet, sour, everything. Bukanlah aku ni manusia yang tidak bersyukur, tetapi aku kena lebih berfikiran positif dan tenang dalam melalui liku-liku kehidupan. InsyaAllah, setiap yang berlaku ada hikmahnya dan ganjaran Allah pada umatnya yang sabar amatlah besar.

If a debtor fail to settle your debts, it simply means that Allah is showing you the way to lead a ZUHUD lifestyle. Continue reciting prayers for him/her to willingly pay the debts is also a sign of Istiqamah, which simply means never to give up and persistence in your beliefs that Allah has plan the best for you.

Number 3: I have to stop thinking ill of anyone and everyone. Must always think the best in everyone, insyaAllah, people will think the best of me.  

Number 4: I need to triple up on my relationship with Allah. Sembahyang, puasa, sedeqah, jariah, everything. HE has always given me the best, though there are times when I thought otherwise.

Next, aku kena lebih banyak menyemai sifat rendah diri. I realised there are many great people out there. Aku tidak boleh merasakan yang aku sentiasa benar,orang di sekeliling ku yang salah dan berada di paksi yang serong. Aku juga akan cuba untuk berfikiran positif. Jika ditegur, ada insan yang sudi untuk membantu aku mempertingkatkan kewibawaan dan potensi diri. InsyaAllah.

I too need to change the negatives to positives. The truth is, lately, I am often hurt by  my other half. His attitudes, his speech, almost everything. I feel that he puts the needs of his staff first before mine. He doesn't care much about my family, what they feel. He think  that it is they who should understand his line of duty. Tapi, bak kata abah, asyik abah je nak faham keadaan dia, mana boleh jadi. Gulp! Reality bites you hard at the bum. Alamak, I digress. Anyways, with his shortcomings, Allah has given me opportunities to be a super person. Since he is super busy with his work, I am given more time to spend and educate my children. Wouldn't I be extra proud to know I am greatly responsible for my childrens 'success? Lagipun, if my children fail to shine in the academic area, it reflects failure in my career. What type of a teacher am I if I fail to bring academic success to my own children...

With so many things that I need to "undo", I realised that time is running short and I need to work at all possible angles as fast as I can. In the end, I hope that Allah will bestow us with a safe journey, and of course haji yang mabrur...